Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
