Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
