I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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