Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
