thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
