is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
