Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
