I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
