I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
