let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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