Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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