I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
tonight lets celebrate not being married
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
