I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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