it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
