he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
