I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
