I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
