her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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