allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
