I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
