Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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