I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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