I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
