I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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