my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
