I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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