i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
