watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
