Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
