You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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