wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
