We won't sleep together?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
