3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
