he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
