Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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