That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
