I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The air was thick with penises
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
