dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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