I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
