You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize