That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
