I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
