you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
