he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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