I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
