Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
