God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
