My room smells like vodka and shame
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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