I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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