i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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