my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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