just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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