I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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