You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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