Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
