i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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