oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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