Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
