do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
